“As the 2009 Turner jury – on which I’m serving – gears up for the shortlisting meeting in just under a month, it’s time to put away childish things. … Still, it is a shame that some artists can’t be included, or anyway are unlikely to be, just because they don’t exist within the framework of art as we know it. So here is my alternative Turner shortlist of things that are sort of Turner-worthy without being eligible …”