“Celebrity profiles are infamous, at this point, for their distinctive combination of erudition and ennui. Their adjective-happy explorations of hot-lady celebrities … treat their subjects like ‘irreducible mysteries, floating so high above the mortal (male) writers that they can only be described in terms of their effects.’ … Celebritized food profiles – celebrations of, among other things, actual rump roasts – treat their own subjects with a similar mingling of mysticism and frustrated desire.”